Thinking Space

Posted on: Tuesday, September 3, 2013 @ 23:41 | 0 comment(s)

Its not what i intend....

wow its been over half a year since i've blogged
and it doesn't feel good to go back just because i feel like poop.
not a great start to the post
but yeah old habits die hard

so what did you miss during my absence?

well......
uni has been well to me....i guess
i made some friends and gain some from high school classmates
i do enjoy this new feeling of freedom and independence it gives
but the high school moments are stilled missed

my new years resolutions are going well
i changed my diet so i am kinda eating healthier and i'm thinking of joining a gym soon
i got a job that i enjoy
and the customers are a pleasure to talk with.... (sometimes)
so i guess my social skills are getting better....
i've been saving a lot too so hopefully i can travel...just need someone to travel with
laughing and smiling more....... sure i think....
well compared to last year i have been more happy
but at the same time i've been more hidden with my other feelings; anger, sadness and loneliness

maybe that's why i'm here again my dear lovely blog.
this blog wasn't intended to be where i vent my sadness and loneliness.
it was made so i could explain my thoughts and try to clear it out to myself and others.

to be honest i'm kinda glad og my absence here on this blog
it make it more easier to spill put everything in my head
and no one will judge since no one reads here any more

here it is to venting and beaching (yes i purposely wrote it like that future nina!)

i miss my friends
yes i do have friends at uni and yes most of them are from the same high schools
but i miss certain friends
i miss my best friend....
i feel so bad when i meet her again because i missed out on so much about her life
and when we meet up and i meet some of her other friends or classmates....
i feel extremely bad when she introduces me as her best friend
i don't deserve that title because i haven't been acting like one
i don't keep in contact with her nor do i put the effort into it
deep down i know i will/am lose that closeness we have and she'll find a new best friend
and i accept this, i mean things can/will happen
but she will always be that special friend to me that i hold deep in my heart
that little letter thing you wrote helps me a lot and i still have it on my wall at my study desk (lol creepy)
and whenever i feel like poop and down that letter still brings tears and a smile so thank you

i do this with a lot of other friends too
i didn't contact a friend for a few months until recently
lol they won't let it go
i just don't know....
it feels bad to contact them whether its by fb, phone or anything
and i can't expect for them to contact me first, i need be initiative too
but i just find it so hard, the fear of bothering them or the rejection (yeah its silly)
it doesn't help either when one says they find it silly when i fb or skype
since i type like a kid (something like that)

hanging with the people at uni can be uncomfortable too
like for example i find three can be a crowd and its usually me who i find is the one making the crowd
third wheeling or feeling like a tricycle especially when hanging with friends that use to date
and when one brings up the past of dating, boy it can get real awkward
or hanging with a group that i usually don't have back in high school
they talk about all the stuff they did and joke about stuff while i sit there like a pabo
i watched a video about first year college
one topic they talked about was about "don't try to be friend people from high school that weren't friends"
they stated that if they weren't friends with you in high school, there must of been a reason for it
and don't just become friends just because you are from the same high school.
that statement hit me big time. guess i'm guilty as charged

my new friends are alright though i haven't really made many
there is a certain one that i hang with often and she's ok
one friend commented that she is like a certain girl from high school
shattered my image of her for a bit
still hang with her since she's not bad and i guess i'd be alone if she wasn't here
she can be a bit close, not close as friends but close as in personal bubble close
like she'll lean on me and i find with uncomfortable unless its with some one really close
(wonder if leaning my head on someone feels nice....hmmm)
i don't know.... i should just be grateful i made some friends instead of venting

sigh~
hopefully my next post will be more happier
your like my lil diary now blog, but it's open to those who can and want to read lol

night night <3